The Ultimate Crack Fic
by MattWritesStuff
Summary: This fic is not meaning to be disrespectful to any character. I love them all. This is just for enjoyment. Summary inside. XOXO. Strong Language, otherwise K rated.
1. Summary

So, what will happen in Kat's newest fic?

NOTHING! bahaha. No seriously. Okay, here's some points I wish to cover...

- Rosalie taking her Bella hate to the next level.

- Jacob and Edward bonding over a certain subject... FANFICTION!

- Leah and Carlisle find an interesting looking book series... called Twilight.

- Esme getting pissed at the fact that Leah and Carlisle are spending so much time discussing that book (which she isn't even in!)

- Alice and Emmett working in the school cafeteria.

- Jasper getting arrested for possesion of illegal substances.

- The wolf pack competing in the Olympics.

- Bella complaining about being a human.

- and the Cullen's, La Push pack and all of Forks High School and Forks residents discovering... MSN!

- Esme adopts a puppy... called Esme.

It's the ultimate crack fic that will blow your mind. All commented on by an anonymous commenter. Please guess in your reviews - if you get it right, you can have a fic of your choice dedicated to you!

Click "Next Chapter"


	2. Chapter 1

Part One

"What do you get when you add Bella and a sleepover? A very pissed off me." Rosalie grumbled. "I think I need revenge."

_Revenge? Where did that come from, Rosalie? What has she ever done? That bitch confuses the hell out of me. _

_I wonder what Edward is doing. _

"Fan-fic-tion-dot-net, ey?"

_What an odd sight! Jacob Black and Edward Cullen... on the computer? On fanfiction. net? I'm on !_

"Very good, bloodsucker. Here, this is my favourite one. Read Harry Potter?" _Something about Jacob's voice and that evil smile has me very worried._

"Jacob!" Edward gasped. "Why did you click on... M rated? Isn't that..." his voice dropped, and became melodramtaic "... where all the porn stories go?" _Wow, I never noticed his voice was so girly and unnaturally high!_

"They aren't all porn! The one I'm about to show you is, but..."

"No Jacob! I have pornophobia! No No NO! Oh, my eyes!"

"Edward? This is just the summary."

_How boring are they? They aren't even funny._

**Half an hour later**

"Carlisle, you like reading... right?" Leah asked, tentatively. _She's so obviously imtimidated by the sexy doctor, I can tell. Oh, better not mention this to Esme. _"It's just, you seem to have good taste, because I really enjoyed The Little Goddess Series you recommended, so I was wondering if you could help me... find another book?" _Oldest excuse in the book, Miss Clearwater. We all know your dirty little secret. Oh cool, I sound like Gossip Girl. XOXO! _

"Actually, there's this very interesting series I came across..." Carlisle was frowning, as if in deep concentration. _His eyes are so on Leah. _"I didn't want to mention it to anyone else... it's very peculiar, but you could maybe help me out?" _He so wants her. But what about the caramel-haired beauty Esme, aka - his wife? (XO XO, gossip Girl. Sorry, i'm just so obsessed with the series right now!)_

"Of course, Dr. Cullen!" _Was she seriously surprised? Huh. As if. _"Whats so peculiar about them?"

"Well, they seem to be about our lives! About Edward and bella mostly. Actually, it's an unusual, 98 accurate telling of the past two years. Even you're in it."

"Wow! But whos' been documenting our lives? Do other people know it's true? Do they..." she gasped. "know what we are?!" _Well, duh. Even I've read them, how else did I know what the fuck is going on?_

"They think it's just fiction, thank god. Edward and Jacob don't think much of it."

"What? They've read it?"

"Yes, I realize thats the freaky book they've been whispering about - so close, the two of them, nowadays!"

_They are, indeed. lets' investigate that. This shameless flirting is annoying me. _

NEXT TIME ON THE ULTIMATE CRACK FIC: Esme decides to do something to distract her from Leah and Carlisle. Rosalie takes up a new hobby.


	3. Chapter 2

Part Two

"Is there fanfiction about that book series about us?" Edward asked, interested. _Hmm, bonding exercise. Interesting. _

"Of course, it's one of the most popular fandoms! Do we remember what that word means, Eddie?" _Eddie? Excuse me while I go piss myself laughing. That Jacob Black is a character, alright. _

Edward's eyes glowed. "I do! I do!"

"Excellent. Here we are, the Twilight category! What pairing will we read?" _Please say "Me and you", I need that proof (to post on Gossip Girl) to show everyone I was right! You ARE gay!_

"How about me and you?" he managed to choke down the girly giggle arising in his throat. _Ha! Mike Newton owes me ten! _

"There's plenty of them." Jacob smirked. "Listen to this:

_I didn't care about the horrible wet-dog smell any longer. I just wanted to do it now. Roughly I pushed him onto the floor, not bothering to reach the bed..._"

"Stop! No!" _Looks like a certain Cullen boy can't handle slash. I wonder if there's a reason for that. _

_I'm taking a break from them. Let's go find Esme._

"That Quileute wolfy BITCH has stolen my husband! They're readinga retarted book which I'm not even fucking IN! I have about ten lines! And look at her! Looking at him with her dopey eyes... oh, she's so much prettier than me... Carlisle deserves someone much more beatiful than me... oh, I love him enough that I want that for him." _Well well, mrs. Cullen! Giving up so easily? I wonder why. _

"I need a new hobby. I should... adopt a puppy!"

_What a fanatstic idea, Esme. I'm anxiously awaiting your return with the little canine._

_While I'm waiting, lets go find Rosalie._

_Oh, what do I see here? Rosalie sitting between Jacob and Edward (who are both laughing their arse off), typing something... a fanfiction! Let's see what it says!_

A/N - I hate Bella. This is an Anti-Bella fic.

Chapter One

One day Harry Potter emigrated to forks and I, Rosalie Lillian Hale, asked him to turn Isabella Swan into an alive watermelon.

Preview: What will she do?

Chapter Two

For many days, Bella the melon followed Harry Potter around Forks, begging him to turn her back.

Preview: Will he give in?

Chapter Three

But he never gave in.

Preview: What will Bella do?

Chapter Four

Bella the oh-so-annoying-but-much-more-appealing-looking-because-I-loved-melons-when-I-was-a-human Melon went to ask Edward to change her into a vamp so she could look human again.

Preview: Does he say yes?

Chapter Five

Edward says yes.

Preview: Does it work?

Chapter Six

It works.

Preview: Does it hurt?

Chapter 7

It hurts an awful lot.

Preview: The final chapter.

Chapter 8

Bella becomes a melon forever, it did not work. Harry Potter moves back to Gaywarts. I eat the melon-Bella. The end.

_Wow Rosalie, nice writing. Publish it._

"Wow, I already have reviews!" Rosalie squealed. "They all love it! I'll write more fics! More and more and send them to Bella's email account and then have a show where I read out all the stories and embarress her! Yay!"

NEXT TIME ON THE ULTIMATE CRACK FIC - Rosalie continues her new hobby, Esme brings home her new puppy and much more!


	4. Chapter 3

Part Three

_Aww, Esme's new puppy is so adorable. And her name's Esme. Cool._

"I called my puppy Esme. Funny, isn't it? Actually, I changed my name. Now I'm Esmeé, not Esme. I'm individual. Independant. I don't need Carlisle! Ha!" the determined look on Esmeé's face was almost inspiring.

_Right. Anyyways. Look at Leah, she's certainly making her move..._

"Oh wow Carlisle, you are just so CLEVER!" Leah gushed, now opening up the first chapter of Eclipse. "We're half way through the series already."

"It's just an addictive book." he smiled. "You know Leah, the description in the book doesn't do you justice. You are so gorgeous." _Flirtalert! Flirtalert!_

"Um, thanks. I think."

_Wow, no wonder Sam dumped her. Hey look, Rosalie is writing another fic! Or is she?_

"I refuse to continue with this fic until Alice and and Emmett come to their senses! Working in the school cafeteria? Mental! Just mental!"

_Wow, that sounds funny! Better check that out tomorrow._

_Where the hell is Jasper these days?_

_Oh, I see him there. He looks ashamed. Wonder whats wrong with poor Jazzy J?_

"Esme, I'm so sorry!" _wow, he has a voice!_ Jasper cried. "I can't believe I did such a terrible thing! I just... I got done for dealing and taking drugs! I managed to buy myself out of it, but still, my power stopped working so instead I started selling people what I call 'happy pills', and then I started taking them because I missed my power so much! And then I thought the feeling was great, so I fed all the wildlife in Forks these pills so that when you guys drank them you'd get high!"

"Oh Jasper!" Esmeé cried. "I don't care if your a druggie! Your my son, and you know what? I love you so much I want to be a druggie too! By the way hun, I've changed my name. I'm not Esme anymore, I'm Esmeé. E-s-m-e-é. That there is E-s-m-e." she gestured towards her dog.

"Awww PUPPY!" Jasper grinned. "you should ahve called it Jasper."

"You can call your puppy Jasper."

"I'M GETTING A PUPPY?!" he started bouncing up and down.

"When your wife cheats on you."

"What? ALICE IS CHEATING ON ME? I KNEW IT! SHE ONLY TOOK THAT JOB IN THE CAFETERIA TO BE WITH THAT DUDE! I KNEW IT! Esmeé, help me!"

_Jasper Hale, rolling on the floor, crying? Wow, there's something you don't see every day._

NEXT TIME ON THE ULTIMATE CRACK FIC - Jasper gets Esme the puppy high in those happy pills and Rosalie continues her new fic.


	5. Chapter 4

Part Four

_Look, it's Rosalie's new fic I just came across. It's a oneshot this time. Let's see._

Bella Swan Is An Ass, written by perfectangelrose.

"Edward, you suck! Because You love Bella, but she's an ass!" Rosalie screamed. "Go away, I hate you forever, you ruined my life!"

"Your right Rosalie! Oh, darling Rosie, I'm so sorry! I'm going to employ Lord Voldemort to turn her into an apple! Ha!"

"Yay!" Rosalie replied. "Oh yay!"

_Looks like it's not finished yet, I'll stay out of it. _

"ROSALIE! HAVE YOU BEEN WRITING BAD FICS ABOUT BELLA?!"

_Ohoh, looks like Rosalie is in hot water with her brother. Looks like a showdown I can't afford to miss. _

"What are you talking about, Edward?" _Her innocent act doesn't fool me, and it certainly does not fool Edward. Oh my. If vampires could go red with fury... well, I'm sure Edward would right now. Aww, Esme's licking my face! How cute! I am referring to the puppy, by the way... _

"No, Esme, bad girl!" Jasper scolded, scooping the fluffy _thing _up. "You can't talk to crazy human stalkers."

_Well, I guess I know when _I'm_ not wanted. _

"No offence, but Esme wants her first blood meal to taste nice."

_Esme drinks blood? Great, a vampie puppy dog from hell._

"Now, Esme, it's time for Sunshine and Roses!"

_Damn, Jasper's getting fond of that damn thing (And feeding it happy pills called_ Sunshine and Roses_, very imaginative name Jazz). Esme_é_ must be feeling even worse! I have to go and comfort her - ohh, CHOCOLATE! No, wait... sorry. False Alarm. Yeah, anyway, let's go find Esme_é. _Wait! Who is that person Leah is sitting on? Oh. My. Edward. Or should I say oh my Carlisle?_

"Oh no! My only love loves my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!" Esmeé cried.

_... Right, now she's modifying Romeo and Juliet quotes to suit her. SO, Carlisle's busted. Do vampires get divorced? I'm sure they do, I mean, to spend forever with one person... how BORING!_

"ROSALIE!!!!!"

"Yes?" Rosalie replied innocently. _Oh oh, What has Rosalie done now?_

_Ohh, look, there's a big fat manuscript on the desk, how exciting! Wonder what it says..._

The Anti Bella Book

A Collection of stories about evil things happening to Bella by Rosalie Lillian Hale.

_Ohh, look, theres the melon story! And loads more! Hey, look at this one, it's pretty cool looking. _

AN: the next chapter is purely Rosalie's fic, and then we'll get down to business with the other stuff again!


End file.
